(photo of me in self made flower crown made from NYC plastic flowers - on a couch in a one bedroom apartment in Playa Del Carmen circa 2018)
Ok lets talk about this.
The pre story :
So maybe there is a piece of me buried very deeply within this story.
Firstly - I was coming out of a rough relationship with a guy I met in New York. I was told by an old witch that I was going to go to NY and meet a man. A man that was going to help me in my life. I did - and he was - the most unique deluded and abusive man - who worked in advertising. He was as corrupted as the woman who showed him to me. He was a Russian man. He was the man my mother wanted to hear about on the phone - and at that time she even though - hey - I could move to NY with you. So our connection flourished. Confusion took over.
It was hard to say no.
But in that time I cared for myself very little - and eventually drained of money time and energy - I came to Mexico - where I was often. Where I liked to just enjoy the day - walk around, go to the markets, have something to eat - and just - consider my time.
So - when I was back in Mexico (as I was between NYC and Mexico for a long time between 2018 and 2019) after everyone disappeared on me at the previous stop over - I discovered that - I actually really did - want to go back to Ayahuasca even if it was years ago, even if i gave myself a promise never to touch it. Because I was lost - stuck in some Babylon - with some poor scary and accidental people. Who were just - threatening me. Threatening me. For what I didn’t know. Though there was a lot of fire there and malformed teeth - grinning. Scowling.
So basically I became - uncomfortable. I was void of ego at that point because my body also - with my nervous system in high stress - gave in resulting in a timely collapse. So the next thing I knew I went out of my way to find an Ayahuasca group.
So what happened then.
…..
(The group at Portal Xibalba - this was during an excruciatingly annoying Bufo Alvarius ceremony - you see me there second from the left. Who plays music - dring a Bufo ceremony.... Ivan, Pamela and Oscar on the right)
The group :
So the group was very hard core. They had a past. The feeling was - as if it was a rock n roll band. Ivan's secondary income was - a voudeville type group where hot chicks in hotpants and fishnets spin fire...enough said. They served ayahuasca at Portal Xibalba, run by a guy called Oscar - I hear he had a turbulent past. He built a little bad girl and boy orphanage in the forest. He moved from Columbia - To be in the forest. I took part in that said orphanage.
The place was marvelous and I do have a lot of pictures of it - I should really post them. There were a lot of people there at the first ceremony. It was one of their very first ones. The leader - Ivan Acuna Rodriguez (who later became my lover in a gross kind of way) - was the person distributing the substance.
I felt very deeply for his wife - a pregnant woman - with two children. And I really felt amazed about who these people were and how happy and gorgeous they looked and felt in their wonderful Mexican paradise. Well - paradise it was not. But I was not like - offering anything. I was just a dreamer as anyone else. I had to just shut up and be. Take the plant and leave. As I did have - some health issues for sure. My body - was literally unable to wake up in the morning. So I knew I needed help.
…….
(I'm not sure if this is a Kambo or Ayahuasca or Bufo ceremony - but here I am from the back with Pamela, the poor lady - smudging my "aura" - i didn't have much of it left by that time)
The process
Then gradually over three months - of taking the drugs. And they were a few - I did feel incredible. My light body was on fire. I was now -serving Ayahuasca by Ivan’s side while his wife was - in strong condition with his third baby. I had to be that person. Suddenly.
Totaly uncalled for. Obviously-
And after somehow drunkenly canoodling with a couple of men in the group I realized - I was done with the past. But I became a very true and certain witch. I was - part of their pack and suddenly I was with Ivan. Who did - propose - we get together.
That was - awful..
(Ivan distributing kambo to my arm)
But as you know - if you take a drug - for health reasons or not - your brain is not exactly working. So that is what for I did it maybe. I thought maybe - god wants me to do this. That was obviously the plants talking. And we - did it. Which is weird - for a previously frigid girl.
Before the NYC situation - I was celibate for 3.5 years. I honestly believed I deserved respect. I really didn’t think god would give me an arsehole like that. And he did. He gave me several.
So when we - connected I suppose a lot came out. One of the boys in the gang called Jean gifted me a violin. Another boy took me places. Ivan indeed - let me sing a lot in ceremony and even lead in some ways. But I didn’t really understand what that was about.
I just kind of forgot myself.
And thought - well at least I’m not dead.
….
What was the lifestyle like
I was living with a really glamorous beautiful lady called Gabriella. She lived with her husband of many years in a beautiful complex they themselves have decorated and presented as an up market air bnb - and yes we really met souls. I - loved her dearly - she was probably the highlight.
I suddenly had the idea of doing a retreat. I wanted it with all my heart. But just as people started calling I noticed -
Ivan was not a good man
And Pamela - broke my heart
This was before the close interaction with Ivan. It was just - how it happened way before that. Inside all of this - the glamour of Playa Del Carmen and Tulum, the nice parties, the nice hopeful and social people that seemed clean and good - were just angry ugly lies
And I felt it - like the world was a mess - full of contrasts and opposites and somehow i was sucked into playing a colourful Playa del Carmen character with the rest of these puppets. And a part of me had a certain healing crisis thinking - it will go. The whole world. Will go - it just needs to go down the drain.
This was at the end of 2019.
…..
(One of the first daytime ceremonies in Tulum I was invited to by Jean Saez - this one was on the beach. Here I met Miriam M - who eventually invited me to Tarapoto where I live today)
What were the visions like
So on the first session with my DMT free brain - it was really interesting. I had a very strong instruction not to participate in anything there beyond the first ceremony - but I saw myself as a christ born of sin. And that my mother had to be a bad woman so I would be born.
I also saw later - a lot about my parents - also about pedaphilia and where it lives in the brain. Why people - abuse their children and what kind of wrong I had in my family tree - and what to kind of take from all that.
Honestly child abuse was the main part of the trips. I did that topic to death. And then yes - ayahuasca showed me the trouble and the gangs - and how my food was spiked with venom and how much hatred and strangeness there was in that area of the world.
Gangs. Drugs. Violence. Guns
And I even thought I would die.
And yeah it so happened to me - that I almost did.
But never you mind that.
Because - if it didn’t happen - what is the point of talking of it.
…..
(My first Peruvian home in the Sacred Valley - Pisac - February 2019)
So how did I come to Peru
Well that was the natural lead up to Peru eventually - I heard from someone that there was going to be a storm. They said - there is a disease. And I knew it - I had to choose a place and choose it good.
I was just about to book my ticket to Guatemala - when Ivan called me - looking very weird and drunk as if he was not talking but some other force was talking for him. And asked me to come to the Valley of Peru. That was - that. It was bad. It was gross and really - not a great choice but - it happened already so i let myself follow.
Something inside me went - who cares. What if
And after a couple of weeks canoodling and being young together. We decided to part. As I simply didn’t like the guy or his morals. And he also - had to go home to his kids.
And that was that? Well not quite. Almost.
…..
(I drew 222 drawings to understand my trauma as a child and now - retraumatized as an adult at the end of 2018, and yes it does have a big chunk of this story within it)
I just blew the cover on it
So - I just told his wife straight up what happened and ofcourse after that I was not to be seen in their part of the world ever again. Being accused by her - I didn’t really care. I just wrote a book about it - as dry and ayahuasca like as that sounds.
Ayahuasca makes you a warrior. You don’t care eventually
And that is what it did to me. Um - ok I’ll just - put you in the book. Thanks for your participation.
And yes that book - Trauma and forgiveness - made from 222 drawings I did after I realized what happened to me there - is still on sale in my online book shop.
So what else.
Ivan disappeared. I did some more ceremonies in Peru with him and alone. And then it was done. The spell was over.
(I recorded one of the Ayahuasca sessions with Ivan at Portal Xibalba one day - so yeah - this was the vibe. It was fun)
….
The “takeaway”
How formal - lets go - so the main thing I guess I felt was that - Mexico is not really prepared for ayahuasca use. I’m excited that - it is now against the law. And that people are getting jail sentences for distributing it.
I feel people are not very mature over there and together with the glitz and glamour and gang culture it is just a very toxic and weird combination.
One day - I sang a song - at a ceremony. I opened my eyes and a gang member was crouched on the floor with his hands extended towards me - bowing to me. That was one of the scariest things that happened. That same guy or one of the guys with him was throwing money into the fire some days later. I too - somehow threw my jewellery onto the alter a few times. What it was - I don't know. bang bang bang. Gang mentality.
I was visited by several of my previous clients there. One - just walking into a ceremony one day and saying - do you remember me. I was amazed. It was harsh also - because honestly as beautiful and conscious as Mexico is - it is just not energetically or emotionally prepared to deal the substance. There is too much of it also - and there is not enough truth - in the land, in the people - in all of it.
It’s like a box of birds singing songs and “shamaning” but they are not - real people. Sometimes it felt like it was a dream. And in a sense I became an unbelievable girl - with a soon to be guru business, eating raw vegan - with a hot shaman guy by her side. It was like - a Disney film honestly.
I’m just happy to be out of there.
And yes my health was much better afterwards. Though I did ask a lot of questions.
(Oscar making a fire before a ceremony - this was a very amazing cacao ceremony - it was beautiful. Just music and cacao - they sell it as a tourist attraction over there)
Shamans and sexual grooming
So as with Ivan - as with other blokes in the group - like Jean and like Luis - it is all over the place. People do this.
Katari center was another stop I made in Tarapoto - same
Another center - same
Same
Same thing. Grooming and sexual obsession - tradition over written with laws of money of tribe and of partnerships that were not there before. Polyamory is rampant. Not just - taking advantage of anything. Love, sex, money - anything is a fun game.
I mean I knew a couple - of Russian people. They came to this guy called Ryder - who was a famous Shipibo shaman - months later she was pregnant to him - and he - the guy - was too naive or too broken by the drug - to leave. He kept serving them both - even creating a center for Ryder - wanting to buy him land and making him king. After Ryder took his girlfriend away from him.
This happened in many places.
Dos Mundos - a squeaky clean holistic center that seems so very cheap and caring - again. Creeps. Creeps everywhere. The main character - Pepe being accused several times of sexual abuse and even rape.
So yeah here we are. Drugs.
Drugs and the secret world of Ayahuasca exposed.
But there are some good people.
…..
(My ayahuasca set up - yeah we drank at my house several times in the sacred valley. A whole bunch of russian people mostly. Then I just left. Grateful to my co host Dima who taught me so much)
Are there actually good people driving this thing
Well not really - they don’t need to drive it you know - after you have a few ceremonies if you are a good person you will learn - it is a drug. It is a poison - your body suffers and eventually you want to just sing and dance and do it By Your Self
So if you have mania to serve it or be next to the famous dude serving it - maybe there is something that is unblessed within yourself.
And yeah in a way I felt that my preoccupation with my past and obsession about certain really crazy topics in the world - preparing for the end etc - brought in Ivan and his family - his whole community actually.
As there was something they had that I have become.
And yes - later serving ayahuasca myself for a while.
But as with all magic spells and magic things - you have to just peek once and put it away as you simply do not need this every day
Like porn, like sugar, like derogative materials - like horror films like video games - you don’t need this more than a few times to just basically open your heart and ask those right questions
It is - as if a face to face connection with god but then you have to go - you have to go
And be mortal
Because - creating an immortal of yourself sucks and definitely did have some fine print involved. I was just lucky to end up here - and not where I could have been.
Love
P
( Me reflected in the mirror of an osho style ashram - while hunting for a place to hold retreats. I was not me - October 2018)
Comments