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Writer's picturePolina Outkina

Portraits of me

Updated: Jul 6

Just a few gems that I have collected over the years. A fw pictures that others and I have painted or drawn of me. It was a fun time looking at them all in the end. Which one do you like the best?


(In chronological order)



"Zvuki Skripki" -- Sounds of Violin - oil on canvas


Probably - "the portrait" - by the late Elena Smagina, Russia, Yaroslavl circa 1994 - 95

I would have been about 9 years old. And yes I did play violin for years since age 6. Elena had an amazing art studio on the same floor as my family. She offered to paint me and mum. Though i cannot find her painting anywhere. This was after my father's death. It was a strange time of transition. The portrait can be also seen on her website here




A decade later - 2004 - a draped nude by Lachlan Holland. I am 19 in the photo, with my quintessential goth girl hair coloured black. Me and Lachlan used to be together for some 3 years. It was hard to understand. We went to the same visual design school eventually - he took photography, I took illustration. I guess here is me - as part of his photography project. We parted ways very badly which took me a few years to recover from. I would say it took me many years. He now is in a relationship with someone who he met through my channel. This photo - I so hear - is still displayed in his house.



Here is my university work - "scream" - digital media. I created this image in 2007 as part of an assignment and got an A+ for it by memory. What can I say - The portrait was about feeling muted by my hair and feeling uncomfortable being in female form mainly. Though I didn't say that. I just said - "my hair strangled me". I would have been 21 - 22 years old.




Some personal digital collage work while under "Watermark Ltd" illustration agency. I suppose I just made things like that at the time. After coming out as gay and quitting the night clubs - age 23. 2008 -2009. Part of "underground burlesque scene" - Raw moves. I don't know - (shrug) - this image was later used as a night club poster.




Some personal work made in 2009 while bored in an illustration agency. It was hard to get noticed. Maybe - I gave up on that at the time and just made whatever made me "feel good" though in the end yes - it might have just made a separation between me and others. Though it did get me some - unique logo work eventually. Being able to deal with patterns. Yes and even images like this kind of drove me to eventually get clients. Odd but interesting.




Some time later circa 2011, a digital self portrait I made for the Watermark Ltd booklet - as one of the illustrators on offer. I didn't really know why it turned out this way. I made it after I moved to Auckland from Wellington, NewZealand. I suppose I was preparing to leave. Burlesque feather fans I used at a show. Birds flying by - you know how I feel. I felt I had to go and shortly did.




A digital collage I created of myself circa 2011 before leaving NZ for good. Why did I leave. I couldn't afford it. Maybe financially. Maybe emotionally. I didn't see a future there for me. Here is me on the sky tower with a lesbian haircut - and my wacon tablet. Dancing around the pole. A strange visual - a hard worker - a tortured soul. Scared pigeon flying away. I guess that was just how it was - at least it was honest. It was my last piece of marketing for Watermark Ltd.




A self portait (touched up guache painting) - about grounding basically. Melbourne, Australia circa 2013 - after spending some time abroad with a girlfriend and just realising the meaninglessness of it all. I had to check in. And maybe the question was - are you ok? I didn't know how to answer this. I didn't have the strength. My father created a similar portrait of my mother once - it was an engraving at the start of their marriage. A thing to think about.



End of 2013, a "self portrait" after an Ayahuasca ceremony - my first Ayahuasca ceremony infact. I suppose i should do a separate post for this piece. It speaks of my vision and the activation I got - as I released my grandmother's story and with it - my "curse"




A drawing by Thaw Naing - He was a good friend of mine at university - we both studied illustration there. This drawing though was created in 2016 after I just moved back to NZ from Australia for a little bit - to get some oxygen. I was always good friends with Thaw. I remember spending some time at our friend’s batch. Brent helped me with my website. The previous website was constructed entirely by Brent. And Thaw was there also - and at that time - he drew this. Classic.




Portrait by Julia (2017) - she met me through my channel and we stayed friends ever since.



A little spaced out drawing with a self portrait inside I did some years later circa 2018 in the NYC home of a woman that I met through my channel. There is a lot there - part of the past, part of the present. But it was not meant to be. We didn't stay close suffering a terrible falling out. Though that - is then - and this is now.



Self portrait circa 2018 - I was honestly really bored staying in the beautiful Centro Erika retreat center in Tepoztlan, Mexico. Talking someone who I shouldn’t have been talking to - I sent him this. This is me. Plus Ghost Mane - a hybrid of me and Ghost Mane - I used to listen to Ghost Mane a lot.

A digital self portrait for a book of poems created in 2018 at some point - between Mexico and NYC - it really helped me come to light with me. It just took ages to understand - the self love thing. Can be hard to understand - hard to forgive.




A digitally painted image of me by Aaron P. - Circa 2019. I suppose I’m here in my flower crown. I used to make these things a lot. I guess it was an interesting time of my life and a certain type of uprising. There was a big ending - and a big change. I stopped following people around.




A lovely portrait by Logan L. circa 2018 - 19. I suppose here Logan sees some of my hidden qualities. Maybe. We travelled to Mexico once and went to some dance parties in NYC. It was a good time - I learnt a lot and healed my soul. Thank you Logan.



A portrait of me by Shannon L. - I suppose it was odd. This is circa the end of 2019. In the photo that Sharlene drew from I was - pregnant, or - just pregnant. It was very bad actually - that story. I was not interested in carrying the child. That left me through a Bufo Alvarius ceremony. It was a hard day - just after a great shame. It was the hardest day. But somehow - the picture made it into someone’s heart.



I had a bit of a struggle - an identity crisis of sorts in Mexico after having a strange situation with somebody (drawing circa 2019)- That healed me long term but in the mean time broke my heart incredibly. I created the Trauma and forgiveness book as part of that - it features 222 of my drawings including this one.I suppose here is a kind of guidance to me. The second time I have created something like this. I wish I had the original drawing but I don’t. It was a very strange time. And I am happy now - for everyone who has hurt me so incredibly - to help me - grieve - and let go. And whoever took on any of my pain. Also.




A psychedelic self portrait circa 2020, Pisac, Peru.



Top left corner - a sketch by Taki Runa. Some drawings of an imaginary house I was designing at the time. A picture of Jesus (my current partner) that I have drawn. This picture was created at Taki’s life drawing class. The first time I met Jesus, 8 years my junior. Though we met. And it was great.  2020



Pencil drawing portrait of myself - there was a time where I didn’t know how to say it so I drew. I feel this speaks of childhood trauma that I suffered as a kid. That took so long to process. I drew this drawing while hanging out with Jesus (who is now my partner) - 2020




I drew my partner Jesus and me in Sacred Sushi cafe, Pisac - while explaining to him how I draw. 2020. At the time we just started dating. He moved in with me straight away.




In turn - Jesus drew me as a lion lady (2020)






When we moved to San Martin - I converted an “offering” portrait into something else. I thought I saw my father in the face before. Maybe - though now I think of it - maybe it was a self portrait. Though that - in itself is not secure. 2021. We had a terrible time in Tarapoto. It was very loud and obnoxious. I suppose this portrait was a question for safety and peace. Previously this was a portrait of a Ukrainian girl with a cup of ceremonial cacao and red flowers. I just didn’t know that fully. The original I painted in 2020. It travelled with me a little bit - something I couldn’t for some reason let go of. And then it became - a self portrait in white. Maybe it is a welcoming, maybe it is a prayer. I use it as a table top these days.




A couple of aquarelle self portraits created in 2021 - same house in Tarapoto. Not sure.







2023 - Several digital collages created out of my - passport photo - for the five albums that I have published so far. You can hear them here. It was a good thing to do it. Because it was just months before a full melt down of my computer etc. So - it was handy to have these albums out there - though they didn’t go far. It’s just good that they exist and didn’t get wiped with my laptop. Phew.



Someone special drew me in 2023 while watching my video


So I drew her back at the cafe :)


P

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