So I gotta tell you when I was small - I could not physically read. This could have been an off shoot of autism or another issue. I used to look at the page bored….it was not a fun place to be. It felt rough. It made my feet curl - I didn’t like the texture of the pages. When I said that to my mother age 6 she said - Polina. Never tell anyone about this.
So today - I am telling you this. In a sense - weirdly - the texture of the computer screen doesn’t make me cringe as much - it is smooth glowing and mellow. It never bothered me reading on the computer but my eyes got tired.
All in all - with the NIN and Marilyn Manson biographies, Some few pages in a lesbian manual, A couple of books on astrology and a few picture books - honestly
A book
Has not touched my hand
Though my mother - actually - reads. And she reads excessively. My brother too.
They really always wanted me to be a book worm like them - suggesting I wouldn’t develop if I was not a book worm. But - here I am - not reading and not writing At All - till the age of 29 - and I’m fine.
So what has supported my growth. Was I not book smart
I was always smart but I didn’t like the trap of being with a book. I didn’t like them - and I could spot a lie. And a lie it was. I simply did not deliver myself to that state when one would possibly also say - I’m interested in that. As honestly
Between the overwhelm that I was feeling for just bare survival as a kid - in many ways
A book - was not important.
But survival was.
So -
…..
Autism?
Well maybe but also not likely - I really do not like the brands or labels everyone enjoys so much and as you know if it gets too popular too quick too soon it is on its way of failure so you know - it is not a good thing. Though I did - uniquely - write a book on Autism that I have not published yet.
So yeah what for and how else. I mean - in a sense if you are very smart the whole body knows things you don’t have to teach it anything so honestly I never truly - had the will or courage to admit - earlier in life - that I knew. Everything. And that it was just my teachers and parents that didn’t know.
And how did I access it.
You wait around for things to settle you notice them or you wait and see what people do and just in that moment of subtlety the truth itself reveals itself. You don’t have to be even psychic or anything - nature, life and the moment - teaches you. But - never mind
…..
Click here to find my bookstore
Why did I write the books
I have now - to date - 14 of them
Whopping 14
Did they go very far did they make me an empire no they did not but they did - make people look and for a while though they didn’t see me or understand my accent or words - they did get it through the books cos they read it in their own voice or in a voice that was imagined. And I did - get some time with those people later
As - being neurodivergent has taught me
That it is hard to “understand you” but - when you are spoken to right or you are in peace it is amazing what comes out. So I just decided on keeping at peace and the books were a kind of - business card that travelled with me for a while and let people know - I mean business.
I’m not just like - a little girl with a weird accent and straw like hair. I have another and another layer to me.
Though that kind of didn’t really last long in a sense.
Because when I was making those almanacs (predictive texts for the year) I saw that there was something not kosher to me. I got lost in them. I got lost in it and it became a disease. It became - a disease to write
For someone who only started to in their late 20s. For someone who didn’t speak a word before ayahuasca happened in 2013. It was odd. It was odd to be a writer.
And yes to hear it from my mother
“Hey mum I’m writing my first book”
“Really? What could you possibly say?”
And yeah - that was that.
Wrong.
When you over expand it is hard too - having a ridiculous amount of written readings, blogs, articles, written materials. It makes you kind of - unmaritable in a way - cos in a sense you just get to merge with your brain so much and so fast - it is kind of also - unfortunate.
…..
So lately I’ve been audio blogging
Audio blogging is just a way for me to detox from the book writing - that’s it. Using sound now to carry. My words without having to hide behind a fancy book cover - even if I did design it myself.
Love
P
Comments