top of page
Writer's picturePolina Outkina

The overdose that made me who I am today

So maybe as some may know I had an overdose in 2015.


The back story. I was - a simple person. I was not a simple person. I worked at night clubs as a dancer from the age of 18 (2003) - and up till 2016 had this as a job.


So - in my area of work as you would imagine there is a lot - drugs, sex, money. Well I just went for the financial part and for my own souls’ sake because I liked the freedom - I never destroyed myself with any substance and only drank sometimes. The worst was red bull. Never having developed a relationship with drugs nicotine or any other substances - I was clean - very clean. And trying hard to keep a vegan lifestyle - I didn’t really have what a lot of people have got - a backlog of sorts - to keep them grounded during a plant taking ceremony.


So - cut the story short when I was dancing at one of the worst clubs in the country - in Melbourne Australia - I ran into a girl called Sophia. She saw that I had something about me and suggested to me - to go see Sharon - who was the local “shaman”



Drawing (Sophia)


I ofcourse had a really big laugh at that. But I took her advice - as I was at cross roads. Being no longer an illustrator (I quit due to having little options or sufficient income in that industry) I knew that I wanted to do something with people and help others - I just seriously didn’t know which way to go.


At the end of 2013 - I saw Sharon.


Sharon basically said to me that I was some kind of - woman that would be good for healing and helping children - in a way that surprised me because I have never had any contact or interest in being around children. Though illustration (my previous job) did involve drawing for kids sometimes.


I also heard from Sharon that I had parasites ofcourse, and that I was troubled - and that I had some kind of divine messenger energy around me and that I was from Lyra (whatever that means) . All of this just made me break out into tears eventually - which impressed me - as I went in fully certain she couldn't have picked a thing. She said - kindergarten. Kindergarten - you need to be working at a kindergarten - later laughing about her statement.


That was to me - not really a part of my dream as you see - I was an exotic dancer then. A dancer for 12 years straight. And I did enjoy myself in that role. The idea of being a child minder did not appeal.




Portrait of Sharon


Never mind. A little while later I hear from Sharon that I need to go to a ceremony - run by her and other women.


“A ceremony?” I thought - well. It sounded pretty fancy to me.


I just imagined a few women in a little circle tapping drums gently and singing old willow tree songs. But that did not happen.


A week before going to the said ceremony - I did a little bit of research and actually found out what Ayahuasca was - and that which they called - mother, or medicine - turned out to be - a drug.


I honestly didn’t know - what I was in for but I did a Tarot card reading for me and I got that - it would help me have more control over my life.


To cut the story short. It did. But to make it a little more interesting lets put some details in here. What actually happened with Sharon?




(My drawing circa 2014)


So the first time I went to take Ayahuasca with said Sharon in late December 2013, I just - imagined it would be nice and calming having done no real psychedelics before. It was fabulous in fact. There was mad magical music played on the stereo - and there were some women singing kumbaya hippy anthems - and candles, and sage - lots of sage.


The room of her Melbourne town house was small - but it fit us all - some few women there - maybe 15 maybe more. I didn’t count. Then I just - woke up. I cried a bucket full of scrunched up toilet paper, and saw so many visions. I cried for 6 hours - never have been a cryer all my life. And finally reconciled with the soul of my grandmother - and the family curse. Or what it seemed - holding itself in my ovaries.


Then I just kind of - came back to - and I saw god and he explained to me who he was. And then I had to kind of explain to the people what I saw as ofcourse - Sharon liked to share. So we did just that. And she was surprised that I had such a strong experience on my first go.


And then ofcourse as I was very impressionable I have translated that experience into a drawing.




(the said drawings circa 2013)


Then later I suppose - that was it. I had a couple more ceremonies that were - well uneventful. In my second ceremony ever I was just - white. I was told I was that. It was just a big white light that I was and some weird power in me guided me around people and told them things - at the end of the ceremony as if I was allowed to do that - In utter self confidence and total magical esteem. I don’t know what happened but I did that.


At that time I was also making portraits of people that I was charging very little for. In the end I did just that for a while and they kind of discounted me as a little - joke in a sense. A little walking cloud was not a good enough thing in the end. I had to be a drawing kid. And that is what I became.


Later on in ceremonies I awoke more and more though it didn’t feel as good and the visions were tiring. So I never - got addicted to them.Also ceremonies felt boring - I just wanted to get up and do stuff. Whatever it was. Usually - advice giving or prophecy dropping, sometimes healing.


In total I had about 4 sessions with Sharon - before the overdose. Having done - once again - no drugs prior.


(Drawing of Ema right after a ceremony)

And yes after that ceremony I started to write my first book that i wanted to name "the nature of reality"



What was before the overdose -


In the end - after the previous Ayahuasca sessions - I have left my transitioning girlfriend for a young 20 year old boy. I have stopped complaining. I did pass something out of my body. I got madly evolved. And I did start channelling and speaking in tongues - being able to remove darkness from people’s auras and starting to learn about chakras and their expansion or control - and also - knowing how to change one’s life. That came to me very fast and I didn’t quite know how to handle it.


Sharon and everyone else seemed mildly entertained or amused by me which was ok - and I knew that. But then this happened.


So - in about January 2015 I had a ceremony with Sharon. At the time I was going through a break up with that said young man - and I realised I had a lot to go through or a lot to learn. We were going through a really hard patch. I was still a dancer. I had to support us both and also - be a lady doing that. It was very hard for me at 28.


Then later I decided that it was kind of - a giving thing. But at the time …it was terrible to experience. Having to be a “single mother” to a lazy young man by my side.


In detriment also - he was part of a certain energy healing program that was run by a very cultish guy - who just wanted him to be at his beckoning call so you know - here we have a complex story. Multiple dimension benders, dream walkers, psychics, psychos - and me and him. Kind of living amongst it. It was not safe - nope. Was not safe.


It was ok though for me. I was used to psychosis and madness of others - walking the path I did and having certain childhood experiences that I had to go through - psychosis and pressure were - fine for me.


So what was I in for - oh nothing. Just a few mixed messages and a whole bunch of craziness just being caught up in “the battle of shamans” in the underbelly of Melbourne, Australia. And also - ofcourse mixing. Sharon liked to mix.




( a little drawing circa 2014)


2015 - the night of the overdose


So - this was January 2015 and we were all lined up on some poor lady’s farm. Where there were maybe 20 women gathered or so. Older women too. Sharon liked it bougie. She enjoyed having people at her side that really worshipped her too so - yeah she loved to appeal to the ladies.


It was fresh, lovely and caring. She had some volunteer helpers and me somewhere on the side ofcourse and she - did enjoy the little game of minds that we had.


In the end - after not eating anything for a few days - or sleeping that much, being in constant fights with my boyfriend I didn’t really have the eyes or the heart for the dream. I just thought to myself well why not - "I’ll be an apprentice shaman. What strangeness can that give?" And that was only after about 4 solid ayahuasca session. An apprentice - imagine that.


And yes after the first two sessions I must admit - I was not interested in the drug per se….it was the company. Imagine - the company was the reason I wanted to do it.


So never mind - story short. That night - Sharon decided to play with some Sirian Rue I remember and also some Jurema - which was and still is a kind of mystery to me. As I know there is not enough information about it even on the internet but I did find out eventually - that it comes from a certain place in Africa - and yes in Brazil there is an African based cult of Jurema - that it gives the gift of prophecy or whatever else it might want to give at the time. I suppose that in the end I recognised how hard core it was but to Sharon it was just - a gift of the gods to spice it all up. Which was ok.


So what did we do - we went through this. And it was a two day affair. I don’t remember if it was on the first or the second night (probably the second night of the ceremony) - I went into a very big shock. I was shaking. I sat next to Sharon as - the person that pours the medicine. And I told her I was not feeling well. No wonder - after emotional stress at home - no food and no sleep.


It would have been - my 5th - 6th time drinking at all.


She told me - that I had to have another cup. I looked at her - strangely - weirdly - I knew that was bad and I remember saying “That’s naughty Sharon” but I had that drink. It had to be apparently.


Then I was instructed to channel, to call in the aliens whatever that means. To ask about 2020 - to get some notes. As you know -


Behind the ayahuasca use was also - the extra terrestrial dogma.


So even to this day - whenever I hear someone talking of arcturians or pleiedians - I want to puke. And I’m serious - that stuff still - makes me want to vomit.


So - what happened then.




(Drawing of the ability to pick and move energy with one’s hand. I gave this one to Laya R. 2014. It was one of my first abilities.)


When I “recovered”?


Well - no lets not get hasty - I didn’t recover actually. It took me seriously years to recover but yes - when I recovered some memory of what was going on it was too late - my brain was on fire and it didn’t stop for days.


The main thing that happened was that I went into deep psychosis trying to pass what I thought were parasites or entities in my body. So the day after and the next and the next day - lets just say were eventful.


I in the end had to go through so much - channelling - talking in tongues - talking to entities trying to have my body - gone. Wanting to go. I asked to be not here. I asked for help and eventually it happened. Several times - in the days that came.


Is a psychosis from drugs meant to last this long - nope - never was meant to be more than a night. But looks like it might be something that still accompanies me for a lifetime.


So what more. What more can I say -



(Drawing of a “boy” 2013)


What did I see or what happened to me


So after having a big black ethereal snake come out of my mouth I knew I was - in heaven or transcended this dimension. It came out of me. And later I learnt that I could stop my heart beat and not breathe. That definitely happened and still happens.


It is as if the kundalini or animal force had ended and had decided to leave and after that - I felt I was asked to join heaven which just sounded like people singing and playing drums though - in the end maybe I didn’t eventually get there - I didn’t actually go to heaven but still have - stayed here. And how I stuck around - is maybe no true problem for me to solve today.


I just - didn’t leave. But something - has left. Whatever it was. Maybe it wasn’t quite a clinical death but maybe it is. I’m not sure. It just - happened to me - as i had enough and i wanted to go.


Then - well - for five or six days my poor young boyfriend tried to “revive me” and tell me how to do it. He was really trying - and the cult leader on his side tried to “purge my demons” and walk into my dream time and such and that they did.



( Painting of my boyfriend at the time 2015)


What did I see


A lot


I mean - I went out of the house naked. I made a bee disappear in thin air In front of my boyfriend -while explaining to him the structure of the cosmic mind. I talked to him about the nature of reality and how to be here. It was all - over. I was in prophecy land. Spirits could come through me and channel but I was still that girl - a part of me - is there still. It is kind of masked or hidden while - the channelling or the prophecy takes place which I cannot say is - the best but - yes - in a way my brain or my body deviated after that one Jerema ceremony.


In the end - what can I say - I saw a lot. I was a monk being set on fire. I was a body in an operating theatre during world war 2. I was a soldier dying. I was a person on a raft in the middle of the sea. I was a cyborg with my consciousness inside. I was anything and everything - though these were the themes or the materials I had to work with.




(Joe, 2014)


And yes - Sharon tried to “heal me” by doing some strange things to me. There were strange people there and in a sense I didn’t see them as friends anymore - it was all a weird joke. I was called a liar and talked about badly. I was laying there in her “healing room” with people all around me pestering me to stop what I was doing. Which was - hard. When you are in psychosis.


And then eventually yes - with some crystal lingam and some weird conversation - some squishy rubber ball or other - things - empty jars pretending to catch spirit snakes and such - it was all over - it was hard. I felt like they were trying to possess me.


And yes it felt like I was in between worlds with large warm snakes crawling all over me - coming out of my body, crawling down to the floor. That was probably as real as I could have ever imagined. It was scary - and I was afraid to sit up and open my eyes to see if it was real. Like sleep paralysis.


When everyone left the room - Joe, Sharon’s partner came up to me and put his arm next to my mouth - I didn’t know why that was. Then he told me to bite. I thought he was hitting on me. I didn’t know why - I thought it was some kind of test - so I did bite - he said harder. I bit harder. Then he said no don’t - and walked out fast. I thought - weird if he was trying to hit on me. Strange course of thought. Strange course of action - turns out - he wanted evidence that I tried to attack him - just incase.


So you get the picture. Nobody knew what the heck they were doing. They just improvised:


Glowing funky lights, Sharon’s follower with a black organite dildo in her hand, empty jars catching invisible snakes, rubber balls - I also heard ding dong noises and was pretty sure I was on a space ship and that I myself was a cyborg - never mind. It really is not something to tell. An indigenous girl’s spirit came into my body and she was so afraid to be in it - saying I was a monster. It was - a scary time. They made me eat a pork sausage roll to “get me back”. They told me I need to go to the gym and eat meat if I am to be what I am to be. I didn’t get it. I didn’t care in the end.


I sat there in their living room inspecting the pillow….I looked at it for a long time and I thought…..I was in hell. That their whole group is just a group from hell that has come to eat my soul. Then I felt something change and said - Speed Up Time.


My boyfriend came in through the door immediately to take me home. It was surreal.


And yes - the bee - disappeared. I put my hand over it and it was gone. Then - home time.


Home.


Laying on the kitchen floor hallucinating - like I was in an operating studio and some Nazi surgeon was taking my body apart. Though the corpse was awake and the soul - observant. It was a gross kind of trapping between worlds while my boyfriend’s “shaman” on the other side - some Australian bloke that ran away from his own country to get the sickness benefit in Sweden while teaching kids about life - tried to get into my energy field and “fck with my machinery” - well in the end here I am - still in one piece. But that was painful.


Then - they took me on a trip.



(The said boyfriend. Painting circa 2015)


The funny trip to the mental institution


“Hop in” said Joe. He put on Deya Dova - I was sitting in the back seat. Him and Sharon kind of smug. What do you hear? Asked Joe - I said - Me? It’s me (and yes I have written a few albums months later but at the time I didn’t know) - I said that’s me singing. Then he said - no you are a liar. You lie.


That was painful. I honestly didn’t know who Deya Dova was. I thought it was a trick question - and that we were in the future somewhere.


Then here we go - the hospital. I’m a cyborg again. I talk to god- I see my future. I see my mother die and reborn as a beautiful blonde child. I see my change. I talk to the devil. I tell him off and to leave me alone. I pass him out of my mouth with a great big roar and the end - valium kicks in. Sharon and my now ex partner John Brown (seriously that is his name - like the character from the Bob Marley song - Sherif Jon Brown) sitting appalled - judging me. Saying bad things about who I am or ever was. As I’m passed out. Or so it seems. In the hospital bed.


Brain scans



(Painting 2013 - 2015)


In the end I was knocked unconscious for many - weeks. I didn’t think it was that long. But I woke up one day - my hair netted in a mess. My eyes just. Sore always - weird clothes on me from the hand me down bin at the hospital - the scary part of the hospital where all the freaky addicts go ofcourse and me. Just like - what happened.


No memory of about a week and a half.


People came and went. Pills. Then yes - I was amazed that I had to just - do what they say - eat the meals that people kindly prepared for us all. And not say a word. The main thing was not to talk -


Then - my now ex partner came. Said he was off to Sweden - to work with his “coach” - I said ok. Just smiled. I still couldn’t believe that it happened. He left me. And I’m grateful he did. Was not that bad an exchange truly.


Sharon and Joe came. Told me to keep my mouth shut and not tell anyone a thing. To keep my story straight - that I overdosed on mushrooms - and that nobody else was involved. I kept that story straight for them cos they were so scared and concerned about their safety and business. I said ok - I’ll say that for you.


Soph came - judgementally - told me I was not well. I’m not sure what happened to her after that.


Another friend came - who I spent time with in Mexico later in life. She was all good. She wasn’t proud but she was kind at least.


Mother came with Brother - she flew from NZ to see me. And to tell me that she was - embarrassed or sorry or something. Well - nothing came of it. I had to really insist that they get me some clothes and at least a brush for my matted up hair - which was seriously unrecognisable. But yes - they did that. They brought me the bare basics and left.


Then I found out how to do it. I just had not to act weird or talk. The drug addicts would spike each other up - change each other’s energy field. They were playing together. So I just didn’t play - I made a friend talked to him a bit. Just sat there with him a while. Then I knew how.


I just had to not take the meds. Which is what I had to do. Then I just waited. I waited and waited. And then in the end they let me go - thinking everything was ok.


Was it ok.



(drawing circa 2013)


What was life like after this.


Several psychiatrists gave me to others - the last one freaking out after I made an example. He asked me - so - what can you - tell me. I started talking about his life, the fact that he is living with his mother and their dynamic; her bossiness and his predisposition to not care for himself, being pushed under her might. That was it. No more psychiatrists after that.


Well for months I couldn’t believe I was still alive. I thought that thoughts would manifest into something physical real and tangible. I believed that I was somehow - a chosen person or that I was in a near death experience and that in a way I wasn’t going to ever be me again.


And yes I could stop my heart beating and not breathe for extended periods of time.


I couldn’t think say or do anything. So I would only - channel or say only that which needed to be as I was really afraid of not speaking truth or not saying that which was needed.


I got connected to the Australian indigenous dream time and just spent time there.  I didn’t care about anyone. They told me where to be, where to go - how to walk where and why - the saintliness of the footsteps and how to pray for them - to get the back into “real time”. Because they had no others there.


I didn’t care about my time or youth or anything and yeah everyone was laughing at me from any side. And that felt - good. It felt real.


I enjoyed that my family laughed and I enjoyed that their friends laughed too as they did paint me as the worst kind of woman in the world - a real true addict to drugs - even if it was my 5th - 6th time taking the substance and nothing else previously.


Bad girl -

Raspberry in your face

You are a bad bad girl.


Then it happened to me.



(self hug 2014)


Guys - I’m off!


So I just became this. I had started channelling books and poetry - and very quickly wrote several books actually. I went online - and I saw what people are and I started giving what they wanted in the end which I received from some guides in Thailand. Maybe I should tell you that story first. Before I end this article. - ok - detour.


…..


How did you get That gift of channelling astrology


Very simple. I was - screwed. I was mad. I went to Thailand maybe 5 months after the overdose by my very own self. And I just got to Koh Phi Phi don Andaman Hotel and said - I need a break. I was bored. Then I started writing - ok -


If Aries - is the face

And pisces are the feet -


Then this is this and that is that.


I just distributed the chart over my body - then I just imagined


If Neptune is lymph

And Venus is blood


Etc etc - and then it was just given to me straight up and I didn’t have to do anything. A big eye came out of the wall - a huge eye - it looked at me. At the time I was not at all hallucinating or seeing things - I sat there up right in bed just - looking at this eye - being comforted by this plush beautiful eye. Then I just imagined. Mmmmm I don’t know what it was. I imagined it could have been god or some divine guide.


And then it disappeared


And then since that day I knew all that I know about astrology - every single little squish of it. Even though - it never was given to me by a book or a person.


And then that’s it


Channelling till this day - happy ending - well wait - I’ll get to it.



( My ex partner Bryer *him *(coughs) 2013)


What happened after the hospital


So - the little boyfriend that I supported financially for like 10 months disappeared from me. He just disappeared. I mean the last I knew was that he worked in a bar. I knew that would be. In the end we had - karmic swap over - so I stopped working at a bar. I became a prophet. He wanted so bad to be a prophet (He was busy studying how to be one all the time - instead of helping me with anything) He just ended up working at a bar - how about that.


Sharon - I don’t know.


The woman that came to the hospital and was the only person who was nice to me became a good friend who got me to come to Mexico and start my life in the Americas in the end. But that story - is yet incomplete.


My mother - left. She just said - no. I said to her I had some childhood memories of being touched - maybe by my father or something like that - and here my mother just said no. No - and after cursing me several times (with my brother on board with her) they luckily left my life and I’m so very happy that we didn’t prolong our charade more than the time shared.


And then that’s that. They walked away - people were left as just land posts or just stop signs but nothing else. Gone - the very breath of them gone in my life.


The scene of cool little boys and girls who took the drugs disappeared ofcourse as it was a bit too scary to be fun at that point but Sharon remained God.


I still had to go back to the clubs to just survive and that is what I did for about a year - before suddenly in 2016 after three or four months online as a psychic astrologer - I could quit my job as a dancer. Which was incredible. I could leave that world.


I quit the dancing world - after 12.5 years being tied to it. That was maybe the main prize.


Having to quit dancing. Starting my own online business that I kind of - didn’t really even want to start at the time - well - not solo - but yes. After breaking up with another boy - I just walked off the face of the earth for some of them. And evolved. And evolved and evolved and so on and so forth and maybe some of my listeners - if you remember me from 2016 - evolved with me and yes ofcourse - I don’t rhyme in poetry anymore - I just deliver sound messages. Maybe - perhaps I will send more poems into outer space sometimes because who knows - maybe they are the special way to break through. To calm people in their angst or their silliness and show them the road without being too instructional or particular.


But that is not maybe it in the end.


Does the story end here.


It might never end. That’s the thing. And that is ok.




(self portrait circa 2020)


A little about Jerema


So yes - the plant that gave me the overdose - comes from Africa. And as said earlier is practiced in special Jerema cults in Brazil. It is very special to the people there but it is Not Practiced usually outside of certain religious space. A data base is needed.


The Yaruba religion and other such cults and alliances have some of it’s data base but not all. Ofcourse it is a very ancient plant and it is a medicine but also yes - it is a very tough drug if you overdose on it.


And yeah I had to find out the hard way but that’s not it.


It gives the gift of prophecy.


People are allowed in ceremony - to go into psychosis - or out of body states that are shamanic states after all - and are given permission to guide others or to speak on behalf of spirit or the ancestors for the group.


Which is - what I got here - on tap - still. And it had not ever ended. Since 2015 - that’s it. Prophecy mode every day - most days - most of the time. Automatic speak. Everything like that.


In a big contrast - Ayahuasca does not permit that. She doesn’t like people talking or touching the plant too much she wants it all - back to the earth. She is a poison - like Jerema - but she wants other things. Her agenda is different if you think of her as a soul. Ayahuasca doesn’t want talking. She doesn’t want expansion. She wants remembering and understanding - and most of all - peace and quiet during the ceremony where only the shaman gets to say anything or make sound. Or the ones he appoints to make sound. So it is more like - a singing plant. And a certain gift opener but it also has ofcourse the current of prophecy inside.


Since taking Jerema I did run into several people with Yaruba in their blood or Yaruba in their beliefs and we simply and easily found the same messages in our organic systems - or we just claimed that space very quickly - it is an unspoken skill or language - maybe it is a deviation of the pineal gland or something else - but it definitely plugged us in very deeply and quickly.


So I don’t know enough about it and maybe you do - I don’t quite know what happened to me but I feel I was re-seeded into another dream time. Is it - Peru - is it Africa - I don’t know. But there is a kind of feeling about me that I am no longer just who I am but have some kind of strange spiritual or automated mission that comes through a certain system of tribe or beliefs.


I might never truly find out about it. But maybe someone could hint or point me in the right direction.


Thank you

Polina.

76 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Yorumlar


bottom of page