I wanted to create a project around 2019 making music and art that were more “home” to me but after a few posts on social media I realised it had no - point or no real feeling to others. And though I felt like I tried to help or warn about something it was not of choice to them. It was as if people went their own way somewhere and I stood there watching - an onlooker. Something felt stranded and dispersed. Maybe like - mycelium strands are in nature. Maybe that was it - dispersion. I didn’t know how to really handle that.
So I took it off line. I didn’t quite understand what it is that I was trying to say in the end. Things came out of me - indifferently on auto pilot as a lot of my psychic work and writing usually does. It was just really hard to tell them, I felt.
So - in a sense it closed down by itself though I felt that it still had some strength and power. It really was overlooked like a lot of my other work outside of channelling. Just seen as weird or off somehow. Which is - too bad.
Hey, you want fierce productivity and state of the art psychic advice?
- guess what. It also comes with "that thing" - yes the thing that is in these photos and videos. The thing that looks crazy to you is also "that" - But no. "Psychics are nice." I need mother dear. And so she was - left to her own devies - the girl in the mirror talking to herself about astrology remained "a mystery to all" - cos nobody wanted to see - that. Which is ok. I giggle now.
I suppose I felt - unless I had actual use and function to people and their day to day life - it was kind of a mistake that which I was - or strange that which I created. So I stopped that. I got young again. I got selfish. Went on detox, ran several ayahuasca sessions where everyone just let me be "weird". I stopped complaining or noticing what was going on. And eventually - I surrendered.
Covid I expected and it came - and then it was each man to their own. I was living in the mountains safe and sound - no vaccine, no issues, no isolation time. Nothing. Just watching from the mountain top - what it was like for others. In silence. Going to an occasional hippie picnic. Waiting.
In a sense I know it sounds mean or harsh. I felt very overlooked with a lot of my open hearted work before that and yes - I generated a lot of psychic work during Covid as people kind of felt - betrayed by the world and were looking for a safe place to be. I was that safe place or so it seemed.
I think that in a sense I stopped regretting so much and feeling sadness for the universe - at that time. It was over for me. I think it wasn’t just society and integrating into the human world. It was all of it. It was a gentle half closed-lip laugh that eventually came through at this time. I didn’t know what for. I think that I felt that the door was closed on me way before. That my true ideas or personality was - inconvenient. And only my practical insight “forgiven” and given a place “in the future” - somehow still interesting and still protected by some - for it warmed their homes or put food on their table. Practical advice. In the end - just practical advice.
Which I stuck to eventually.
People do like to cherry pick sometimes - maybe that is something I'm yet to discover or understand. But imagine if I was picky - I would probably be not me. Not here - not in this digital world or even this country. I would just clutch my peace of mind close, safe, looking for safety and tranquility over all else. I would not matter - but I would not need to. Is that the life that is normal to live?
Do we all live like mice and surrender? That was a Covid question.
And I get that and I love people for it. Though I did wish they could understand things in a not so primitive way. Which is hurtful. And that Heyoka situation continues. Being clown like or misunderstood in every day situations. Being judged or seen ad vulgar or promiscuous or just - strange. It was not either one of those things. It’s hard to just be - different sometimes. Nothing gives a chance to be that unless you blow the horn everyone is blowing, dance the dance everyone else is accustomed to dancing. But then again. I’m proud of this character trait. That in the end I was never able to be bought or sold or - lost in any of it. I came out fine. Lost in translation maybe - but still me.
I wouldn't burry me for anybody.
In a sense dance or art or music or any of it is just an offering. Nothing more. Just an offering.
A peace keeping with the spirit world in the end. Nothing else.
When I lived in Bali for a while in 2017-18 I was really amazed by their culture and how they brought offerings to their gods. The women would lovingly weave little baskets, leaving little treats inside them and place them outside - for the birds, the animals, for the gods - whatever and whoever wanted them. And this was part of daily life every single day.
In the morning a beautiful goddess would come outside and bring out a tray of hand woven baskets with her - offering plates so to speak. They were laid out in a ceremonial manor infant of the different statues, sometimes even on the side of the road, at the entrance to the home. Any place she decided to put them.
Like my photos or videos I guess. Maybe garbage to some. Beautiful to others.
Just an offering to the gods.
Even if without cultural context or space. It's ok - not to be anybody. You know. Is anything anything these days. Maybe this type of media is work for the A I while we secretly loose identities and drift back to sleep.
P
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